if i have you

i'm here but out of place
not if i have you

i'm listening but i'm not here
not if i have you

i'm laughing but i'm bored
not if i have you

but if i have you
will you be there for me?

but if i have you
will you walk with me?
and make me proud?

but if i have you
is all i want?

deadline

even though the moment passed us by

even though the light faded in the sky
i want to be there with you
i want to come home to you

can we just run away?

Run Away

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
And you can hear it in my whispered cries for love
I need your blissful touch to carry me away again
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

(chorus)
Run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory, but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right
We can just run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
I'm like a posse that's been ridin' for days
I've got the scars to prove that love has had its day and it's way with me
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

This ain't no night to be on your own
You've got to know where you're coming from
To know just where you're goin', lord
You've got to know where you're coming from
This ain't no night to be on your own

Run away
Run away
Run away

tangled

on a friday. the first no rain friday. it's weird. now that the sun is shining brightly, i'm yearning for the sky to start raining again. i feel like getting wet. as if the rain would wash away everything from me and my clothes. and my heart. my black heart.

the transition phase, although repetitious, appeared to be difficult. you've been in that shoes and down that road and still, it will always be difficult to talk the language. the language you once taught others to speak. suddenly, you stopped reading the book of life when you finally realised that actually you're now on the same page with others. others as in someone close to you.

and with that, you settled at having wishes as you feel that you're in no position to do anything. it's beyond you and your so-called wittiness.

wishlist is fun. getting it or hoping to get it, isn't.

the only direction is down

the rain makes you sweat

went watching i am legend last nite. a movie which should've ended otherwise. the prota should live to see what a significant change he made. the word legend in the title shall be removed and who cares if there'll be no immediate legacy. they're burning down the cinemas now in india.

you don't have to have the sixth sense to notice the change in human behavior at this time of the year. the absence of rationale and the depth of depression. after all, lunatic comes from the word lunar. and uncircumsized kid knows that lunar has got something to do with the moon. apart from the luna water colour. and you always gets horny when the moon is full? no coincidence there, really. have we discussed this? no? hmm...we did.

a cynical bastard

short on words. long on things to say. what am i to do?

this is what i've been longing to do. writing something really short and let you think whatever you think that i'm letting you think. it's something like "knowing you, i know that you don't actually know what i think you should know" "but i know, you do know that i know just everything that you know i should know".

road movie, hippie chic and an american dream

eddie vedder collaborated with sean penn for the soundtrack of into the wild. inspiring road movie adapted from a book of the same title. nice songs. and that wolf song will haunt you more should nusrat fateh ali khan is still around.

i wonder what it'll be like to have a hippie chic as your partner. would it be cool? not that chic from forrest gump, if that's what you think i'm referring to. would it be like a love-hate relationship or like that husband and wife in sonic youth? sharing the same passion, enjoying every bit of it and us-against-the-world mindset. one would simply wave his/her middle finger on behalf of the other. emm, that's more like kurt and courtney. not a good one.

is it mere stubbornness or they're just being adventurous? i'm thinking of the whole idea of the so-called american dream. they have a reputation of being stupid when it comes to this. idealistic.

look at the above image. i hate it when they put big, flashy tv (as to outshine the operator next door, who in turn will buy a bigger set). showing music videos or whatever and put it on mute. excuse me mr, do we look like a chaplin to you?

rain down, rain down

we're either frustrated or disappointed by now. it's the end of the year. it's december. i can feel the connection between the month and feeling suicidal or murderous. why do you think that black guy from lighthouse family sang "though it's darker than december, what's ahead is a different colour"?

december is all dark, rainy, humid and gloomy. i love that sinking feeling when i was left stranded years ago at shah alam. with only enough rice and onions. and i braved two days eating the aforementioned while listening to smashing pumpkins' adore. long story short, it was in december.

someone committed suicide last tuesday. opposite my tower, spitting distance from jas's. i have the video but the point is, it's december. why can't he do it in june or may? he, the deceased, knows.

khai, on the other hand is also kind of disappointed (for-reasons-only-god-knows-why). jas also. and i thought, this is when people would spend their time writing or painting a masterpiece. it's coming your way mr khai. jas, you hang in there.

did you know that november rain was actually written during the rainy season, in december. slash was so pissed drunk and mr axl experimenting with emm, cigarette laced with some rubbing alcohol.

ok, i made that up. man, it's december. we can't think straight with all the raining and shit.

one love...and is all that we need

we were at sucasa, right at jalan ampang on that historic day. barricade has been put up the night earlier. cops were everywhere. as we're driving on the highway, armies of barefooted nigga with head gears and stuffs was everywhere. shops were closed, the streets were deserted. it was as if the time stopped.

is all that necessary? is that what our fathers would want to see us be? too many questions and too many left unanswered. there's an English quote i saw recently saying that human being can be much more worst than an animal. even more dangerous. especially with all that shit boiling under. (sigh in disbelief).

peace, love and understanding

Peace, Love & Understanding

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

'cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

abuse me more i like it

i'm abused. stripped away from the convenience of having an internet connection. funny, ridiculous and whatever shit i'm feeling at the moment couldn't hold back the temptation to leave the company very, very soon.

you just couldn't believe it. we're walking against the stream. we're still in the era when sigmund freud hasn't discovered the principles of communication, let alone the significance of it. i feel no longer attached. no more sentimental value and all that emotional sickness.

i can't update my dear friends. it's not like i'm trying to have an online petition to put a pressure to my HR Dept. so that they will have mine reconnected. all i know, they've just crossed the line.

soundtrack for mira nair's kama sutra

i don't know anything

oh how i wish
how i wish you were here
you were here when i first cry
you were here when i first feel love
you were here when i first feel pain
oh how i wish

oh how i wish
how i wish you were here
you were here when i first smile
you were here i first feel happy
you were here when i first make love
oh how i wish

cha-cha

i was down at the new amsterdam. staring at this yellow-haired girl. mr jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer...mr jones by counting crows.

flamenco dancer. shiny, black hair. bright, red lips in a sexy and appealing red dress. legs, sure they have beautiful legs.

gypsy kings rules!..haha...

before and after

celine> I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that.

jesse> I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

that's an excerpt from before sunrise. a movie i should've watched before before sunset. too many things to say about the movie and just too many new discoveries.

one thing about ethan hawke is, you won't get distracted easily. i mean, his facial expression resemble someone who's been through a lot and couldn't be bothered if there's more coming his way. that depressed, hopeless slacker type.
try great expectations and reality bites. also, both abovementioned titles. you'll get what i mean.

and i've just discovered that i've been thinking too much about everything when i actually shouldn't in the first place. after all, life is what you make it. what matters most is to keep doing anything that makes you happy. no guilts and no regrets.

like i always thought, "wouldn't it be nice if i could just sit around once a week, maybe. i'll have strong, black coffee and my camels. then i'll have chris cornell in the background to accompany me during the sunset or whatever".

wouldn't it be nice?

harry pothead and the gardening habit

why can't i find anything like this here? or was it hidden? do i have to ask for assistance?

and does it include batteries? err, sorry plants..

i'd rather smoke and fly

back in 98, jas & co used to spend a lot of time at my place. so we had tequila at times and weed all the time. there's something which he wrote that goes something like this. "why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?". don't ask. he was high then, of course..hehe..

well, that photo above is a beer-making machine i got from gizmodo.com (a site dedicated to disclosing and reviewing the latest gadgets and gizmos in the pipeline).

to jas>>>and don't tell that you don't want one.

rain falls on everyone

the photo was taken about four years ago, if i'm not mistaken. we were having a barbecue night out with friends from school. colorful night i must admit. i was halfway there when i decided to play some songs. and to be honest, i couldn't really recall most of the things i said or did that night.

we had too much of almost everything that night. too much food, too much booze and also too much weed. still it is considered as one of the best moments of my not-so-interesting life. i remember waking up feeling sick next to a high school friend. i must've vomitted my liver and with an aching head, mumbling in a desperate need for water and food.

those were the days. i'd prefer to remember it as a special get-together. and since 2008 means we're celebrating the 10th year anniversary, i'd like to propose a family-oriented event to commemorate it.

any ideas?

worn down by worry

is this my dream job? is this want i want to do really? is it right to be thinking about it in the first place? that was all the questions popped in my head this morning. ensued by a long sigh.

i had a late breakfast after a brief discussion with our team. by the time i'm walking down to the food court, that "what the fuck am i doing here?" question surfaced. i feel like someone waiting to die. that breakfast routine is just to fill in the blanks so that i won't be thinking about my death. that's bad.

i think i need a new job. or maybe some challenges. or perhaps, simply a change. when you feel too complacent at this age after a long holiday, you ought to start doing something about it.

comments anyone?