you are not alone.

michael jackson was pronounced dead this morning. this morning i think, as that was when i first heard the news. and the next 30 minutes of my journey, i was accompanied by his songs. songs we sang when we were still in primary's or maybe secondary's..(some were still in elementary)..

i strongly believe that almost everybody knows MJ. his rather weird moves, his symbolic black or white video and that moonwalking thingy. MJ is like a hero to many. (i think some of them fans decided to jump off the bridge or building by now). and some others are in-the-closet fans (especially those clad in black tshirts with a big red pentagram screaming at us from two blocks away).

when i was a boy, we would always get to hear MJ's songs in an indian friend's house, on a deepavali. be it from a VHS or TV3 just believed their rating will hit all-time high by showing them videos. whilst paying a visit, chewing the unchewable "bomb" cookies, me and other malay friends would sit, talk and at the same time watch MJ's concert or something.

in my personal opinion, i quite like the guy because of the neverland and his narcissistic nature. i don't know if he was ever a paedophile but the guy somehow made a difference in many lives.

p/s : i hate to break this to you michael but yes, you'll be alone down there.

you make me sick, i make music

evolution. whether premeditated or unintentional, it is difficult (sometimes) yet necessary. whenever i come across that word, my mind would travel hastily searching for the deeply stored information, specifically a sentence uttered by robert de niro in heat.

the girl asks, "are you alone?". mr de niro replies arrogantly, "yeah, i'm alone. but i'm not lonely".

what has it got to do with "evolution"?. articulately, i can't elaborate the correlation though. but it seems as if the word has an indescribable association with human relationships.

people evolve. so do relationships. from just a plain into a commitment-based. so on and so forth. that is what we do. we live and we learn. we fall and we bounce back with revitalised spirits. after which, we shall emerge "evolved".

at this point, i'm sure some are clueless. maybe, some are beginning to worry about me or the health of my mind. whatever it is, evolution is vital. provided it is projected with a positive vibe, for a positive result.

p/s : (never failed to impress, errr no, to complicate).

informed decision

inferiority complex?. or insecurity? i don't think that it is. it's just that i can't be certain about many things, always. especially when it's about being brave enough, with all the courage needed, to make a bold decision. decisions that would change the course of my life. decisions that would, maybe, alter the way i look at things. it would definitely hurt but it's the thing to do. (and i know that for a fact).

and yet, i just can't do it. the determination deteriorates in a blink of an eye. God, help me.

remember?

i remember - lipsnyching to songs from dookie and almost every alt-rock songs. i remember - getting caught while skipping PA class (why the hell would she pick me, and always me to recite the Quran?). i remember - taking a long drag of a fat joint in our classroom on a saturday (poor fuad, he unwillingly were appointed as the sentry). i remember - we laughed hilariously the moment hafiz tripped on a bong session behind the workshop of KMT. i remember - sharing two cans of beer in the toilet minutes before performing "the way" by fastball during our english week. i remember - jamming to songs of nirvana with our seniors at b-sound studio in komtar. i remember - collecting kerrang was an achievement itself. i remember - getting slapped by JR during an assembly. i remember a lot of things. funny and embarassing and both. (no mr khai, i won't embarass myself with my being a fool stories..hehe..). we were so taken over by those teenage angst. naive and sweet at the same time. a blessing we chose to remain disguised back then.

10 years after, here we all are. some of us are now proud parents of lovely kids. retrospectively speaking, i'm happy. no, i'm very very happy. for all of us.

p/s : the theme for diva's nite is 90's. strictly a big NO to sappy love songs..hehe..

lethargical

hectic. hectic. hectic. (they say july is the best time to be in tioman. lots of japanese chicks. grrr...)

Luna In Violin Section

come end of the month, my youngest half-brother is getting married. my other 3 male friends are too. it came as a total surprise to me all of a sudden. everyone around me is getting married and many others are eagerly counting down the days. and definitely they are not doing it because it is the coolest thing to do in 2009. and almost always upon receiving invitations, i would feel happy, sad, bored and clueless.

why? well, it's like "short on words but long on things to say". an aries as they say, would always be secretive. still, hats off to those future parents. to miz maleya, yours will go down in history as one of the most celebrated wedding ceremonies. rawk!

p/s : the julie delpy-ish girl i met months ago is not likely to be my rightful soulmate. ask no more.

fat. they stood up for love.

Mother I'm tired
Come surrender my son
Time has ravaged on my soul
No plans to leave but still I go

Fallin' with the leaves
Fallin' out of sleep
To the last goodbyes
Who cares why?

Mother I've tried
Wasting my life
I haven't given up, I lie
To make you so proud in my eyes

Fallin' out of sleep
Crawlin' over me
To the last goodbyes
Who cares why?

Tuesdays come and gone
Restless I still drive
Try to leave it all behind

Fallin', fallin' out of sleep
Fallin', fallin' with the leaves
I go crawlin', crawlin' over me

Once upon a time in my life...
I went falling...

Mother I hope you know
That I miss you so
Time has ravaged on my soul
To wipe a mothers tears grown cold

Adore. The Smashing Pumpkins. 1998.

insatiable appetite

maybe he's just taking it way too seriously.
maybe he got himself a little too carried away. or utterly paranoid.
maybe he's not the only one.

what if what was to believe is already a mile behind?
what if the very reason is not clearly defined?
what if the clouds wouldn't reach its number nine?
what if all of these was spread on a thin grey line?

but he felt it was all too late
when they said it was all fate
face straight, he said, "i'm running in a figure of eight"

faithfully by journey

just completed a paper, a short one, about the impacts of global recession to shopping centers and measures that could be taken in cushioning it. we say cushioning it, simply because there is actually nothing we could do stop it or reverse it. and the more i delve into the matter, the scarier it appear to be.

still, we are not taking the fall. all the measures outlined are to be implemented immediately and simultaneously, in order to allow time for the effect to take place at approximately desired period. now, since we are racing against time, against the backdrop of what appear to be the worst scenario in sixty years, i am now very, very exhausted.

bed of roses

the question is about time and space. time and space. little did he know that he ain't getting any.

pitch black

will you be a part of the widely-publicised earth hour, scheduled for 8.30pm this saturday?

was it all meant to be?

The people are usually willing to give the government the benefit of the doubt. Be positive, all they are doing is in the interest of the people. They have all the smartest asses in the country and they deserved to be there, administrating. It's for the best.

Well, is it true or too good to be true? Was it all ethical with not a single intention to benefit their own private ends?. I can't be sure. I have no answers to all of that but the impact is right in front of me.

saturday, few weeks ago. we co-organized a career fair specially orchestrated for retrenched workers and jobless graduates. flabbergasted by the number of jobseekers turned up on the fateful day, i knew that it sent a crystal clear message to us all. the unemployment rate is increasing, alarmingly. and weeks later, while enquiring for some information from a government agency, i was furnished with some shocking truths. truths being concealed by our leaders. the harsh reality being sugar-coated on a daily basis with promises or simply, lies.

what was in the 1st stimulus package? it was not really instrumental. not surprisingly, the heatwave from the economic turmoil had sent us running to the air-conditioned, plush offices of goverment agencies. companies seeking funds in order to survive left empty-handed. and for those small traders, we ain't got nothing for them.

and this friend told me that all we could do is, wait. wait until obama succeeded in turning what america is experiencing around, sooner. if he fails, let us all pray. for the future of our children.

p/s : a friend called me the other day. looking for a job. find the time and come over buddy.

smile. it's the end of the world.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

meat puppets

tell me what you think

this is a true story. and as always, true stories comes with a twist. and it's difficult to really decipher the true meaning behind every true incidents. always, we'd say that it was all a blessing in disguise. and most of the time, it is. or we chose to think it is.

Mr A met a Ms B. Ms B matches Mr A's criteria in many ways. they went out a few times to find the compatibility bubbling between the two of them. Ms B appeared to be someone he can spend a lot of his time with.

and when the conservative Mr A learned about Ms B past stories, he was a bit distracted. not too distracted actually. not until he decided to confront Ms B about it. Ms B, trying to be honest as she could possibly be, revealed the ugly truth that she had once slept with one of Mr A's closest friends.

Mr A said to himself that nothing could ever happen between him and Ms B. not in this lifetime since he is meeting the friend on a daily basis. that he couldn't bear the thoughts of seeing them talking together, thoughts of her in his arms and all that visions.

(sigh) i do not know what to say. all i know that sometimes love surpasses all boundaries. but not to this friend. so to all of you out there, please tell me what you think:

1. is virginity an issue to you? (i know it is not to me).
2. can you accept someone who has been around? including to your close buddies.
3. can you be sure that you won't be using that no-longer-a-virgin point in a future argument?

think, you mature beings.

don't have to read this. really.

as always, it's kind of two minutes too late. too busy working, forgetting to live and now the consequence is taking its toll on him. the unprecedented amount of stress he ever experienced on a monday. he said, " i really don't need this now". but it's no longer his call.

then.
he was afraid. for being the younger version of himself is a scary thought. but he missed "him". and it felt so much easier to take the blame. about to leave and that's when it'll all happen. no can do. nary a word nor a sound. just shut up and listen or read or die.

really, he would prefer to be mr andy dufresne of shawshank redemption now.

human or dancer?

timothy leary, the deceased philosopher and creator of LSD once said that he was "an anonymous institutional employee who drove to work each morning in a long line of commuter cars and drove home each night and drank martinis...like several million middle-class, liberal, intellectual robots."

robots. i'm one of those. feed me my routine and i shall live like a robot. i wouldn't notice if i were to leave my brains at home.

so i heard a song like, "are human or are we dancers?". i know i'm a dancer. i don't really dance and i don't think i always face the music. i only dance to someone else's tune.

like that, "they say jump, you say how high?".

lucky you're in love with a bestfriend?

i wish for things to be simple. i wish i was a simpler person. i wish everyone was simple. and understanding too. i wish the past is not as important as the present. and the future is not something to be scared of. i wish for the future to be plain simple. relatively easy to deal with. i wish i could make it simpler. and easier too. for people around me. the significant other too.

i wish i was in my favorite jeans on a sunny sunday. i wish in my possession at any given time a pack of camel 14's. i wish nobody would ever say anything about the haze. and when my thoughts created all these multiple hazes in my head, i wish my thoughts wouldn't matter in any possible way too. then it would've been simpler for them.

i wish i was johnny depp getting a winona forever's tattoo. i wish i was that shy and dumb and honest. cause i want to be simple. i wish i am a simple person all my life. cause i don't want to know about your past. and i'm not going to worry about the future. all i want to be is plain fucking simple. i'm living the present.

we'll play it by ear tonight.

1. another day passed by. this ain't no regular thursday. it's the first day of 2009. twothousandnine, it feels kind of weird saying that. and not to anyone's surprise, i have my eve spent in bed. from the window panes i saw the fireworks display. not amused.

2. australia is a very good movie. after the first two hours (it's a 3-hour-long movie), normally i would've settled for a quick nap. however, the very good-ness of this movie is how australia itself being displayed to international viewers from rather a quite different perspective. i wonder when we could have our own movie about malacca pre-1511. i wouldn't mind an epic tale of a happy-ending-love story though. we need to show the world the richness of our culture, custom and all.

3. i could not, until this very day, understand why the world has kept silent over the Israel-Palestine issue. isn't it obvious that the Jews are violating every single international law? "council de securite" of UN? (f**k 'em!). and the worst part is, the whole arab league does nothing. UAE is busy with the tallest building and all that shit when they can at least provide some humanitarian aid to the women and children. i feel bad. even worst when the spiritual leader of Iran released a fatwa for jihad against Israel. to me, the UN is just a made-up forum. they want us to play by their rules when there are actually no rules stopping them. i would say, let's get back to the Holy Book of Quran, if i can make my voice heard.

accidents waiting to happen

a friend told me a story. the wife reminisced about his previous infidelity in a recent argument. stunned he was when he shouldn't. he was caught red-handed whilst enjoying the company of a young, attractive lady almost ten years ago. no problems with the marriage, it was their fifth year and the second child was months old, if i'm not mistaken. i couldn't understand why but he said, "you would never understand women".

since i wasn't in the capacity to comment from the perspective of a married man, i said, "do you know that women can always forgive, but they don't always forget?". i know it's true. i've had my share on this.

still, quoting from the book of tim allen. the guy explained the complexities of a relationship but provide no solutions. he said, men don't like to share their problems. they like to keep it to themselves and resolve it on their own. it's just their nature. they're born with it.

women, on the other hand would always expect their partner to be a good listener. so whenever a woman is having a problem, they can't wait to share it with the other half.

but forget not that men couldn't be bothered to ask, let alone being a good listener. to men (generally), it is all trivial. then the argument sets in. because women thought that we are being selfish (yes we are, at times). or men are insensitive (hmm..). worst, we are having an affair.

funny thing. right.