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many years ago, i remember toying with the idea of being in an alt-rock band selling millions worldwide. then i'll be drowning in money, surrounded by many, really hot chicks. and that will garner me much-needed respect from my hometown boys, my teachers and envied by just anybody my age. i'll smile whilst saying, i have the best job in the world. doing things i like and getting paid for it.

and then i feel like waking up from a long, deep sleep. the journey stopped even before it even started. that was all naive and embarrassing and funny. but i know for sure, i have no business being a frontman if i can't sing like chris cornell or at least eddie vedder. no, definitely not james hetfield.

so 2nd best option - i thought if you can't be one, you could at least live like one. and that's exactly what i did. haha..that was the period of a very stupid me. still, honestly sometimes i feel like reliving that moment with a pinch of hope to revive the dream. i would always believe, we should all stay young at heart. exception - there'll be no hard-partying or colorful combination of weird looking substances anymore, just natural high. :-p

p/s : i left one important thing behind. should i become an ultra-successful rock star, i'll have my first dodge charger. with big 69 painted on each door. damn!

there is a light.

speechless is a word. we can go on and on just discussing the word with no clear purpose. and maybe that is the whole point. we actually don't really need a purpose for anything. i just feel like saying it. and verbally, i'm no longer speechless.

at 6.24pm, i'm still here. at 28, i'm still here. in 2009, i'm still here. and it might sound that it is never wrong or bad or anything, unless that's what you would prefer to think. unless you would prefer to listen to all the good, mesmerizing stuffs. that is all your ears are reserved for. or perhaps, that will be the sole, contributing agent in keeping your sanity. now, is that mesmerizing and all?

i know many things or ways or tricks i could somehow apply in building walls to avoid such disturbances. and i know i don't really feel like there is anything wrong.

and at 6.31pm, i just decided i should stop typing. at 28, i should just leave. and finally, on a sunny august afternoon in year 2009, i know i need my camels and pearl jam.

August is for Virgins?

my car has been "warded" for two weeks now. been using a friend's honda ever since. i'm beginning to like it but not as much as i would to a 3 series. (remember that line from radiohead's airbag? - "in a fast german car, i'm amazed that i survived...an airbag saved my life"). that's why i'll be getting myself one.

went to KL last friday. almost missed my flight on the next day. thanks to those who braved the saturday afternoon marching on the road (maybe for a reason they themselves couldn't really tell). was there for a presentation and i sincerely hope it shall be the last time i ever needed to be there for. had a good chat with brenda though (niceeee chick!)..hee..

back in town just in time for the closing ceremony of The 6th JB Arts Festival. Si Bongkok Tanjung Puteri, tale of that Robin Hood-y legendary hero, was magnificently enticing. or maybe because i have never been to a musical drama of any sort. but seriously, they were good.

did i mention about enjoying julian mokhtar and karen nunis blackstone (from mississippi to chicago) a night of blues concert weeks ago? not familiar with half of the songs but they really blew me away.

in about three weeks, it's Ramadhan again. time, hmm..

I Miss Being A Little Boy

the boy in that last scene was damn lucky!

J & V

ever since The 6th JB Arts Festival officially commenced on the 10th of July i got so consumed by it. as a matter of fact, weeks before it actually commenced were the most tiresome. it is the sixth year and as always, there is room for improvisation. so far so good though.

i never really listened to roger wang before. and a pretty shame to not ever heard of paul ponnudorai. boy, these guys are very, very good. a friend said something about mr paul being ranked at no 8 for fingerstyle guitar in the world. now that's a big deal, ain't it? i saw roger played "bunyi gitar" by the late Tan Sri P Ramlee and a medley of MJ's songs - man in the mirror and also the crowd favourite - imagine by john lennon. and when i first heard paul sang an old blues number by chet atkins, whoa!...i wish i could play to impress, like he did.

and then the indie nights. that 3-piece band from KL (mystery call, i think) was fantastic. funk, prog shit. and the only band from JB, fronted by an aged bloke started off singing their own song, which was not bad at all. and from the 2nd song onwards, they rocked!. songs from eric clapton bluesy selection, called it a night with cocaine. cool song!

i had to come almost everyday since the festival also allocated fringe performances for our indoor stage. dances, music, arts and many other related stuffs. and on the 3rd day of the festival, i got myself a real bad fever.

took a day rest on monday and tonite i'm ready for more action. tonite is the BassGroove 100 Jazz Concert! not going to miss that one.

you are not alone.

michael jackson was pronounced dead this morning. this morning i think, as that was when i first heard the news. and the next 30 minutes of my journey, i was accompanied by his songs. songs we sang when we were still in primary's or maybe secondary's..(some were still in elementary)..

i strongly believe that almost everybody knows MJ. his rather weird moves, his symbolic black or white video and that moonwalking thingy. MJ is like a hero to many. (i think some of them fans decided to jump off the bridge or building by now). and some others are in-the-closet fans (especially those clad in black tshirts with a big red pentagram screaming at us from two blocks away).

when i was a boy, we would always get to hear MJ's songs in an indian friend's house, on a deepavali. be it from a VHS or TV3 just believed their rating will hit all-time high by showing them videos. whilst paying a visit, chewing the unchewable "bomb" cookies, me and other malay friends would sit, talk and at the same time watch MJ's concert or something.

in my personal opinion, i quite like the guy because of the neverland and his narcissistic nature. i don't know if he was ever a paedophile but the guy somehow made a difference in many lives.

p/s : i hate to break this to you michael but yes, you'll be alone down there.

you make me sick, i make music

evolution. whether premeditated or unintentional, it is difficult (sometimes) yet necessary. whenever i come across that word, my mind would travel hastily searching for the deeply stored information, specifically a sentence uttered by robert de niro in heat.

the girl asks, "are you alone?". mr de niro replies arrogantly, "yeah, i'm alone. but i'm not lonely".

what has it got to do with "evolution"?. articulately, i can't elaborate the correlation though. but it seems as if the word has an indescribable association with human relationships.

people evolve. so do relationships. from just a plain into a commitment-based. so on and so forth. that is what we do. we live and we learn. we fall and we bounce back with revitalised spirits. after which, we shall emerge "evolved".

at this point, i'm sure some are clueless. maybe, some are beginning to worry about me or the health of my mind. whatever it is, evolution is vital. provided it is projected with a positive vibe, for a positive result.

p/s : (never failed to impress, errr no, to complicate).

informed decision

inferiority complex?. or insecurity? i don't think that it is. it's just that i can't be certain about many things, always. especially when it's about being brave enough, with all the courage needed, to make a bold decision. decisions that would change the course of my life. decisions that would, maybe, alter the way i look at things. it would definitely hurt but it's the thing to do. (and i know that for a fact).

and yet, i just can't do it. the determination deteriorates in a blink of an eye. God, help me.

remember?

i remember - lipsnyching to songs from dookie and almost every alt-rock songs. i remember - getting caught while skipping PA class (why the hell would she pick me, and always me to recite the Quran?). i remember - taking a long drag of a fat joint in our classroom on a saturday (poor fuad, he unwillingly were appointed as the sentry). i remember - we laughed hilariously the moment hafiz tripped on a bong session behind the workshop of KMT. i remember - sharing two cans of beer in the toilet minutes before performing "the way" by fastball during our english week. i remember - jamming to songs of nirvana with our seniors at b-sound studio in komtar. i remember - collecting kerrang was an achievement itself. i remember - getting slapped by JR during an assembly. i remember a lot of things. funny and embarassing and both. (no mr khai, i won't embarass myself with my being a fool stories..hehe..). we were so taken over by those teenage angst. naive and sweet at the same time. a blessing we chose to remain disguised back then.

10 years after, here we all are. some of us are now proud parents of lovely kids. retrospectively speaking, i'm happy. no, i'm very very happy. for all of us.

p/s : the theme for diva's nite is 90's. strictly a big NO to sappy love songs..hehe..

lethargical

hectic. hectic. hectic. (they say july is the best time to be in tioman. lots of japanese chicks. grrr...)

Luna In Violin Section

come end of the month, my youngest half-brother is getting married. my other 3 male friends are too. it came as a total surprise to me all of a sudden. everyone around me is getting married and many others are eagerly counting down the days. and definitely they are not doing it because it is the coolest thing to do in 2009. and almost always upon receiving invitations, i would feel happy, sad, bored and clueless.

why? well, it's like "short on words but long on things to say". an aries as they say, would always be secretive. still, hats off to those future parents. to miz maleya, yours will go down in history as one of the most celebrated wedding ceremonies. rawk!

p/s : the julie delpy-ish girl i met months ago is not likely to be my rightful soulmate. ask no more.

fat. they stood up for love.

Mother I'm tired
Come surrender my son
Time has ravaged on my soul
No plans to leave but still I go

Fallin' with the leaves
Fallin' out of sleep
To the last goodbyes
Who cares why?

Mother I've tried
Wasting my life
I haven't given up, I lie
To make you so proud in my eyes

Fallin' out of sleep
Crawlin' over me
To the last goodbyes
Who cares why?

Tuesdays come and gone
Restless I still drive
Try to leave it all behind

Fallin', fallin' out of sleep
Fallin', fallin' with the leaves
I go crawlin', crawlin' over me

Once upon a time in my life...
I went falling...

Mother I hope you know
That I miss you so
Time has ravaged on my soul
To wipe a mothers tears grown cold

Adore. The Smashing Pumpkins. 1998.

insatiable appetite

maybe he's just taking it way too seriously.
maybe he got himself a little too carried away. or utterly paranoid.
maybe he's not the only one.

what if what was to believe is already a mile behind?
what if the very reason is not clearly defined?
what if the clouds wouldn't reach its number nine?
what if all of these was spread on a thin grey line?

but he felt it was all too late
when they said it was all fate
face straight, he said, "i'm running in a figure of eight"

faithfully by journey

just completed a paper, a short one, about the impacts of global recession to shopping centers and measures that could be taken in cushioning it. we say cushioning it, simply because there is actually nothing we could do stop it or reverse it. and the more i delve into the matter, the scarier it appear to be.

still, we are not taking the fall. all the measures outlined are to be implemented immediately and simultaneously, in order to allow time for the effect to take place at approximately desired period. now, since we are racing against time, against the backdrop of what appear to be the worst scenario in sixty years, i am now very, very exhausted.

bed of roses

the question is about time and space. time and space. little did he know that he ain't getting any.

pitch black

will you be a part of the widely-publicised earth hour, scheduled for 8.30pm this saturday?

was it all meant to be?

The people are usually willing to give the government the benefit of the doubt. Be positive, all they are doing is in the interest of the people. They have all the smartest asses in the country and they deserved to be there, administrating. It's for the best.

Well, is it true or too good to be true? Was it all ethical with not a single intention to benefit their own private ends?. I can't be sure. I have no answers to all of that but the impact is right in front of me.

saturday, few weeks ago. we co-organized a career fair specially orchestrated for retrenched workers and jobless graduates. flabbergasted by the number of jobseekers turned up on the fateful day, i knew that it sent a crystal clear message to us all. the unemployment rate is increasing, alarmingly. and weeks later, while enquiring for some information from a government agency, i was furnished with some shocking truths. truths being concealed by our leaders. the harsh reality being sugar-coated on a daily basis with promises or simply, lies.

what was in the 1st stimulus package? it was not really instrumental. not surprisingly, the heatwave from the economic turmoil had sent us running to the air-conditioned, plush offices of goverment agencies. companies seeking funds in order to survive left empty-handed. and for those small traders, we ain't got nothing for them.

and this friend told me that all we could do is, wait. wait until obama succeeded in turning what america is experiencing around, sooner. if he fails, let us all pray. for the future of our children.

p/s : a friend called me the other day. looking for a job. find the time and come over buddy.

smile. it's the end of the world.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

meat puppets

tell me what you think

this is a true story. and as always, true stories comes with a twist. and it's difficult to really decipher the true meaning behind every true incidents. always, we'd say that it was all a blessing in disguise. and most of the time, it is. or we chose to think it is.

Mr A met a Ms B. Ms B matches Mr A's criteria in many ways. they went out a few times to find the compatibility bubbling between the two of them. Ms B appeared to be someone he can spend a lot of his time with.

and when the conservative Mr A learned about Ms B past stories, he was a bit distracted. not too distracted actually. not until he decided to confront Ms B about it. Ms B, trying to be honest as she could possibly be, revealed the ugly truth that she had once slept with one of Mr A's closest friends.

Mr A said to himself that nothing could ever happen between him and Ms B. not in this lifetime since he is meeting the friend on a daily basis. that he couldn't bear the thoughts of seeing them talking together, thoughts of her in his arms and all that visions.

(sigh) i do not know what to say. all i know that sometimes love surpasses all boundaries. but not to this friend. so to all of you out there, please tell me what you think:

1. is virginity an issue to you? (i know it is not to me).
2. can you accept someone who has been around? including to your close buddies.
3. can you be sure that you won't be using that no-longer-a-virgin point in a future argument?

think, you mature beings.