drive in the fast lane

drive.i need a drive.see..?!.emm....okay....so how should i put it?
it goes like this..i came in early this morning...much earlier than my boss thus improving my previous multi-colored card's history..nevertheless, it does not represent my current view on my career advancement in this co.
spent more than weeks wondering how i can actually get a lucrative paycheck externally versus the zillion things waiting to be sorted out is not a good sign.never.hari raya is approaching and here i am.thinking.mmm....mmm....mr neurotransmitter, i'll catch up with u later!

love.an alien concept for the past 9 years.9 as in NINE?..WTF!! yeah...so i met this girl.quite tall.fair.friendly.easy and comfortable to be around with.strike as a person who could use a nice conversation about anything over coffee.10 bucks and u'll get one of the best moments of ur life.well spent!
point is, i like her..

read a book at nocturnal (sounded better with "scott's place").haha..national geographic. about the scientific explanation of love.samples of lovebirds (in love for at least four months) shows that the amount of serotonin increases the way an OCD patient would enjoy.the sensation is full of similarities.in other words, madly in love is not just a figure of speech.you ARE actually mad.
translation:stay away
translation:it might be unhealthy

who cares?
let's fall in love.beautiful life is what you make it.

man of the hour

i'd love to have my own confession corner. i'll grab the mic and get lost or carried away by my own feelings.there's more room on the outside rather than to keep those black cancer-like elements in me.
a medium or channel to express and confess at the same time.

i found the answer.weblog.my blog.
it's much easier to say what i really feel in writing.laying a lot of things down in words.more rational, relaxed and informed.

confessional and expressional.i can be myself in it.i can be what/who i want to be but i prefer to be myself.naturally.in it.

an open book?.of course not.deep down inside everyone there's a room not accessible by anyone except yourself.that's where you're keeping those dirty little/enormous secrets, experiences and stuffs.a memory warehouse.locked in a safe.


long term memory.equipped with the right mnemonics, i remembered everything.

oscar wilde

the beauty of death is greater than the mystery of birth.oscar wilde.

broken left-wing activist

sprinkle the credits all over when and where it's due.not that liberated ones, of course.i'm now in a daze of the superficial judgement made against me.it was actually against my being curious.i'm confused now.what is happening? am i missing something here?

well, enlighten me please...or should i say, please show me the path to enlightenment...yucks!

did they like institute a school where no one would ever graduate from it?
or an -ism just to rebel against the straight-from-the-shoulders?
i've discovered something out of this...
first and foremost, i'm not whining!
2-this is not just another phase, u'll be "institutionalized", matter-of-factly.
3-don't exhale, it has just started!
4-prepare yourself, it's worsening over time (in a speed of light man!)

this is never a paranoia or inferiority.i'm not trying to convince about the "protocols of the learned elders of the jews", although it is affiliated in many ways.
the "people" is now acting like the jews.divide and rule.whatever.
so wicked that no one would ever realise the manipulative figures beneath the crowd.

"whisper words of wisdom, let it be, let it be..."

love-hate love

Love, Hate, Love/Alice In Chains

I tried to love you I thought I could
I tried to hold you I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel you should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

Cheating myself still you know more
It would be so easy with a whore
Try to understand me little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
Still love you, I still burn
Love. Hate. Love

hello goodbye, u know u made us cry

Tomorrow used to be a day away
Now our love is gone and you're into someone far away
I never thought the day would come
When I would see his hand not mine
Holding on to yours because I could not
Find the time
And now I can't deny
Nothing lasts forever
But I don't wanna leave and see the teardrops in your eyes
I dont wanna live to see the day we say goodbye
Now there comes another part of life I call alone...
Sitting at a bar with Chris that I can't leave cause my house ain't no home no more
I just wanna touch you girl
I wanna feel you close to me
Without your love I would give up now
And walk away so easily
So maybe while we're young
We'll figure out together
That even with the pain there's a remedy
And we'll be all right
I don't wanna live to see the day we say goodbye
When I first met you I couldn't love anyone
But you stole my dreams and you made me see that I can walk under the sun and I could still be me

when i first listen to this, it blew me away...the same feeling i had while enjoying "blew away" by smashing pumpkins..

there's a dominant part of myself not wanting to move on...wait...,it whispers.."i never thought could want someone so much" (11am/incubus)...


misery loves co.

Age of Depression

Wendy's sittin' next to me
she's trying hard to drink it away
and I feel the rumble of the subway beneath the stage
and her eyes are screaming
and her lips are pursed
and this ain't her first heartache
but it feels like, it feels like the worst
and she says can someone tell me how this can happen
and I guess that God only knows
my heart used to be the sweet shop of love
but now the sign on the door
it says sorry we're closed
and I hear myself tell her
some old words I know they won't help
and then I feel guilty
'cause I closed some sweet shops myself
We all talk about timing and lifestyles and such
but to a heart that's been shattered
those words don't mean that much
and all of our pining it just goes to show
don't you enter a shop with the sign on the door
saying sorry we're closed
and she's been through all the pain
that one can endure and her new man thinks she loves him
but he can't be sure and his heart pines for Wendy
she says that's how it goes, how am I supposed to know?
he can't read the sign saying sorry we're closed
yeah we're closed

a beautiful song this is by edwin mccain (sign on the door)..being myself, i know this is the perfect song to describe how i feel about my love life...

phew!, it's closed for business until further notice....

fungus amongus

fungus..
today is the day...my whole perception and understanding of a fungus is the receptionist in any given government office!

know what, had a meeting with an OIC of a govt. dept. i went to the receptionist and asked as polite as i could i ever be in my entire life (exaggeration there!)..yeah, so i asked to meet the Director so that i can speed things up..
(u know that..meet> greet> talk> bluff> joke> lie> lie> lie> thank> leave> approach?)
this approach will do u magic in govt. offices, i mean turning up like a bad penny, steal their looooong breakfast+chatting session and f**k off..if u r nice and holding on to the 101 manual (how to be a good marketing person), set an appointment to see the person in charge..dream on!...u'll get to see him/her minutes before the farewell ceremony for his/her retirement..(fact there!)

back to the courtroom, this receptionist was talking to someone on the phone. not surprisingly, she gave me no gesture to sit, wait or anything at all..am i invisible?
up to a point where she tried to wave to a person at the lobby area..about 5-6 metres from the desk.not wanting to stand up at all, nonchalantly she told the person on the other end of the line to give it another try after 2pm...because they're having a "briefing"...WTF!...hey, this is so F**KING not right man. it's unethical at its best.

there you go!

that's a fungus u got there!

can you not like....err....forget it...it runs in "the family"...ciao!

still got the blues!!

a man would do anything, i mean anything at all to keep his mind occupied..especially when u r in prison...

talking about prison....not just literally..am i so imprisoned by my inferiority complex?...is it me refusing to let it go? should i stay or should i go?

be it pornography (u can call it erotic, nudist, naturalist, artistic photography, call it whatever u will...it's pornography!!)..hehe...

or indulge in those promises and lies after a brief reading session of spiritual material...can't help but feel bad about myself not wanting to change or let go...
can't also swallow the fact that it's merely identity crisis in the making...won't admit the beauty of narcissistic or some kind of scientific explanation which will leave your tongue twisted trying to pronounce it....

that's more or less the way i keep my mind occupied..."i'm supposed to be doing this and that"...be realistic, me talking to myself...listen to the inner child, he's with u all these time and don't let ur maturity keep on dripping thru the hole poked by those unwanted rebellious nature....

hey, hey, hey, watch it!...help me help myself...i want to want to help... taking it easy voluntarily....

remembering the words of wisdom from an old friend, life is like a game of football..
no matter how many goals your opponent scored in the first half...u still have the second half to prove that u r at least worthy playing with..score, fight..whatever!
u might end up scoring more and win the game...(the end of the game is the end of ur life)...that's how it goes...

thanks man...i'm a walking disaster now!