you're the company that you keep

a definite maybe translates insecurity. insecurity will eventually fade your self-confidence. losing your confidence means withdrawing from the crowd. and being reserved is to approach the magnetic depression. depression holds a possibility of committing suicide. committing suicide, outside from japan, equals to being a loser. and to sum it up, it is not worth any bit of it.

i'm not a spiritual guru of any kind. i just thought that these behaviors are normal. not that committing suicide part, mind you. i mean, that sensation from happiness or even sadness is a normal body reaction. an approval or rejection however solely depends on the childhood upbringing, and the rest is genetics.

me myself, still thought that we need more love. i honestly and obviously need that. we can't act merely from listening to songs about getting together, not being alone or whatever shit that pop commercials been feeding us with.

love yourself, love your parents, love your family and friends and their families. like that "pay it forward" concept. then i'm sure all of us will be blessed with the love of God.

the fourth thursday

i was posting an entry this morning when we experienced a sudden, short-lived power search. with a big sigh, i went next door looking for a new tie. what an excuse. guess i'm a bit sleepy. i bought a rainbow-colored tie.

cloverfield is an OK movie. it was, what's the word dave? nauseating, i think. handheld camera shots for like half an hour, rest a bit and another half an hour. it's like watching freak of nature on a fishing boat. elizabeth mcintyre played by miss odette yustman is sweeeeettah!

i'd prefer sex than watching a regular football game(exception for world cup and euro). jas, i'm sure you're with me man.

talk shows on mute

i remembered watching an episode of ellen the other day. she wasn't with anne heche. she was talking to the audience about her having her own talk show. oprah did it first, then martha, then tyra, then everyone including herself. are we watching talk shows on a daily basis? is it a cool thing or shall we wait for the performing artiste of the day then switch to something else? i don't know. i just watch when there isn't anything else on tv.

ellen said that the show is there simply because people are listening, willingly. do you know that there are crews holding a "LAUGH NOW" and "CLAP NOW" cue signs at some point of the show so that it'll appear lively and vibrant and all that shit. and she's saying "because people are listening".

so i figured that i could write a book. a book about my daily routine or maybe about "how to write a book" stuffs. the content however will not revolve around A-Z steps to write a book but simply, the process of writing the book.

i shall start with something like, "today, just like any other day. i recalled the same shit, different day quote from one alien movie. so the day seems right. i now have the basic idea for my epilogue and i should jot it down because i'm a forgetful being. kate knows that..."

then i'll divert the reading towards the life of kate, an imaginary character. that should take up 20% of the book. can you imagine reading something like that?

the same goes to all those talk shows. such a waste of time.

look. don't see.

a decent melody that i've been humming around the whole day wasn't likely to make it to the rick dees weekly top 40 but i'm kinda feeling good today. not really happy, just good. i feel like a healthy person with a healthy loving wife waiting at home, to copulate so that both of us will have a healthier life.

i saw many things lately. the world is getting sicker day by day, little by little. though i'm one of those "f**k it, i don't care" persons, it seems like the farther you think you're running away from it, the closer you're getting to it. so close you can smell the filthiness under the sugarcoated breaths. and you ended up having the shit smacked right in your face. them people should smoke some weed occasionally i think.

fell on black days by soundgarden still serve as my perfect reminder. i can get myself to think that it always isn't so bad and rationalising my evil mind, though devilish, i'm just a human being. i just need more education, on the disadvantages of pre-marital sex.

friends don't let friends

is this the one?

wira replacement model (wrm). quite ok. a baby saloon like toyota vios and it'll cost not more than 40k. i hope that "looks can be deceiving" does not apply here.

Bill-paying 101

i took a day off to settle all past due bills and summons. you read it right, summons! big hole in my pocket for that. and as i was so determined to get things done that day, i glanced at my wristwatch to find that i'll be racing against time. it's already 4.10pm and i have another one to go. knowing that having a friend behind that counter might come in handy, i started walking to the bank.

4.18pm. at the bank.
obviously, the door was closed with some snoop-dogg-chains wrapped around the handle. i saw this friend of mine and dialled. bugger was so occupied and left the phone ringing. so i started waving like a monkey in a zoo asking the audience for more bananas. a guy seated next to the entrance said, "go home. it's closed already la". i said,"screw you". he didn't notice. no, i didn't say that. so, a friend of this friend of mine pointed to the security door on the far right of the bank. i know cause i'm a frequent user of that door. and i walked to that door to find it unlocked.

4.25pm. the incident.
was it three steps? i can't recall because not long after entering that door, a guy or the GUARD himself was flabbergasted to see me walking like nobody's business inside the bank. at 4.26pm.

he yelled at me with a capital S. "Stop!". "Where do you think you're going?". me, in a joey from friends-like behavior said, "i'm here to meet J**I*". "wait, i'll ask him first". my friend was like "yeah, he's a friend". i smiled and continued approaching the counter. once finished, he said, "he has authorisation to shoot you""don't do that again". i said, "yeah, ok" (my "whatever" is a near-whisper).

i whistled. apologised to that guy. he didn't smile. i'm sure he'll die early.

mission accomplished.

twothousandeight

i was having dinner with mom when someone texted me with that question. resolution question. boring. nonchalantly i replied, i'm not interested in living in an army-like landscape. and because she said that it's good with something to do with discipline and some counselling bollocks, i told her that i just don't plan my life. that was the end of that sms-ing session.

i remembered wanting to improve my fitness and gain more pounds last year. that was simply because everyone else is like telling everyone else about his/her resolution and me being part of the socially-acceptable crowd just trying to be a good sport. me, i can't have a resolution because it wouldn't do me any good. i need a far greater force than just a resolution to motivate my lazy ass.

and today is the first day of the year. the year of the rat. i just think that i'll be needing more money, some injection of seriousness in my work, good food, new clothes and some other tiny little things. that's not a resolution because it's something that people do everyday. is that right?

is resolution something big, significant, new and good in nature?
and it only qualifies if you share it on new year's eve?

whatever. the new proton is niceeee!!

i'm feeling green today.

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of
Good health and good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

if i have you

i'm here but out of place
not if i have you

i'm listening but i'm not here
not if i have you

i'm laughing but i'm bored
not if i have you

but if i have you
will you be there for me?

but if i have you
will you walk with me?
and make me proud?

but if i have you
is all i want?

deadline

even though the moment passed us by

even though the light faded in the sky
i want to be there with you
i want to come home to you

can we just run away?

Run Away

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
And you can hear it in my whispered cries for love
I need your blissful touch to carry me away again
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

(chorus)
Run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory, but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right
We can just run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
I'm like a posse that's been ridin' for days
I've got the scars to prove that love has had its day and it's way with me
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

This ain't no night to be on your own
You've got to know where you're coming from
To know just where you're goin', lord
You've got to know where you're coming from
This ain't no night to be on your own

Run away
Run away
Run away

tangled

on a friday. the first no rain friday. it's weird. now that the sun is shining brightly, i'm yearning for the sky to start raining again. i feel like getting wet. as if the rain would wash away everything from me and my clothes. and my heart. my black heart.

the transition phase, although repetitious, appeared to be difficult. you've been in that shoes and down that road and still, it will always be difficult to talk the language. the language you once taught others to speak. suddenly, you stopped reading the book of life when you finally realised that actually you're now on the same page with others. others as in someone close to you.

and with that, you settled at having wishes as you feel that you're in no position to do anything. it's beyond you and your so-called wittiness.

wishlist is fun. getting it or hoping to get it, isn't.

the only direction is down

the rain makes you sweat

went watching i am legend last nite. a movie which should've ended otherwise. the prota should live to see what a significant change he made. the word legend in the title shall be removed and who cares if there'll be no immediate legacy. they're burning down the cinemas now in india.

you don't have to have the sixth sense to notice the change in human behavior at this time of the year. the absence of rationale and the depth of depression. after all, lunatic comes from the word lunar. and uncircumsized kid knows that lunar has got something to do with the moon. apart from the luna water colour. and you always gets horny when the moon is full? no coincidence there, really. have we discussed this? no? hmm...we did.

a cynical bastard

short on words. long on things to say. what am i to do?

this is what i've been longing to do. writing something really short and let you think whatever you think that i'm letting you think. it's something like "knowing you, i know that you don't actually know what i think you should know" "but i know, you do know that i know just everything that you know i should know".

road movie, hippie chic and an american dream

eddie vedder collaborated with sean penn for the soundtrack of into the wild. inspiring road movie adapted from a book of the same title. nice songs. and that wolf song will haunt you more should nusrat fateh ali khan is still around.

i wonder what it'll be like to have a hippie chic as your partner. would it be cool? not that chic from forrest gump, if that's what you think i'm referring to. would it be like a love-hate relationship or like that husband and wife in sonic youth? sharing the same passion, enjoying every bit of it and us-against-the-world mindset. one would simply wave his/her middle finger on behalf of the other. emm, that's more like kurt and courtney. not a good one.

is it mere stubbornness or they're just being adventurous? i'm thinking of the whole idea of the so-called american dream. they have a reputation of being stupid when it comes to this. idealistic.

look at the above image. i hate it when they put big, flashy tv (as to outshine the operator next door, who in turn will buy a bigger set). showing music videos or whatever and put it on mute. excuse me mr, do we look like a chaplin to you?

rain down, rain down

we're either frustrated or disappointed by now. it's the end of the year. it's december. i can feel the connection between the month and feeling suicidal or murderous. why do you think that black guy from lighthouse family sang "though it's darker than december, what's ahead is a different colour"?

december is all dark, rainy, humid and gloomy. i love that sinking feeling when i was left stranded years ago at shah alam. with only enough rice and onions. and i braved two days eating the aforementioned while listening to smashing pumpkins' adore. long story short, it was in december.

someone committed suicide last tuesday. opposite my tower, spitting distance from jas's. i have the video but the point is, it's december. why can't he do it in june or may? he, the deceased, knows.

khai, on the other hand is also kind of disappointed (for-reasons-only-god-knows-why). jas also. and i thought, this is when people would spend their time writing or painting a masterpiece. it's coming your way mr khai. jas, you hang in there.

did you know that november rain was actually written during the rainy season, in december. slash was so pissed drunk and mr axl experimenting with emm, cigarette laced with some rubbing alcohol.

ok, i made that up. man, it's december. we can't think straight with all the raining and shit.

one love...and is all that we need

we were at sucasa, right at jalan ampang on that historic day. barricade has been put up the night earlier. cops were everywhere. as we're driving on the highway, armies of barefooted nigga with head gears and stuffs was everywhere. shops were closed, the streets were deserted. it was as if the time stopped.

is all that necessary? is that what our fathers would want to see us be? too many questions and too many left unanswered. there's an English quote i saw recently saying that human being can be much more worst than an animal. even more dangerous. especially with all that shit boiling under. (sigh in disbelief).

peace, love and understanding

Peace, Love & Understanding

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

'cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?